The making of an eating disorder
Written by: A Woman in Recovery
It started as a child, as most good disorders do. My mom decided to go on a diet, or a “lifestyle change” as she preferred to call it, and took my sister and me with her to her meetings. I was 14 years old and probably 100 pounds for reference. I attended weekly weigh-in meetings, encouraging us to lose weight.
I participated in a 3-day smoothie fast, and had my whole diet changed overnight. No more cheese, no more dairy, no more sugar, and no more gluten in the house. While some kids may have snuck alcohol in their backpacks, I snuck cereal in mine.
Early Messages About Food and the Body
I learned to eat as much as I could in the hour I got home from school before my mom came back from work. I somehow learned that eating alone was the only way I could feel at peace. My mom looked at herself in the mirror, pinching her stomach rolls. Telling herself that if parts of her were less, she would be more.
Subconsciously telling me that I cannot take up too much space in the room with my body. My grandma and I went to a restaurant, and she saw a larger woman. She told me, “I bet she’s never skipped a meal.” Her words remained in my brain for years.
Learning Secrecy Around Eating
I had my wisdom teeth removed and was not able to eat solid food for a week. My dad told me I looked great and healthy after that week. I learned that being thin was valued over eating food.
My sister and I would sneak food up to our room and binge eat together. She was the only one whom I did not feel ashamed of eating around. The only thing I could eat was whatever I wanted to without feeling as if I were being judged. We would drive to the store, pick up food, eat it in the car, and remove all evidence before coming home. It was our shared secret.
When Control and Shame Took Over
Flash forward to college, when the plot thickened for my disordered eating. I decided to participate in “fasting” from time to time, either abstaining from food in general or only drinking smoothies for a week at a time. I disguised the disordered eating for spiritual discipline, although I knew my ulterior motive was losing weight.
I would weigh myself daily, looking at the scale and seeing numbers go up and down became an addiction. Of course, the periods of fasting were followed by binges. Baking cupcakes and eating the whole tray until I threw up. Eating a carton of ice cream, then driving to the store to replace it so no one would know.
The key ingredients for my disordered eating were: Secrecy, Safety, and Shame.
Secrecy: You would never find me binge eating in front of anyone. In fact, in front of other people, I was a “healthy girl”, very conscious of food and conscious of eating small portions in front of others. It was only in secret that bingeing felt allowed to come out.
Safety: Eating large amounts of food alone became my safe place. It served the purpose of feeling completely accepted, secure, and safe to be vulnerable. It was a comfort with my emotions, my loneliness, and my inability to control situations around me.
Shame: Although I felt a sense of safety, it never came without the shame that followed. The feeling that something was wrong with me. The feeling that I could not control myself. The feeling of complete embarrassment for not being able to control a food craving.
Turns out these weren’t only the key ingredients of my disordered eating, they are common among many struggling with disordered eating. Shame is one of the most prominent feelings associated with disordered eating. The shame I experienced may be similar to the shame you experience.
The sense that something is wrong, the embarrassment, self-judgment, and self-disgust after a binge resonate very strongly with what research documents as key emotional drivers and maintainers of disordered eating. Shame is often both a trigger and a consequence of binge-type eating, contributing to a self-reinforcing cycle.
Binge eating disorder is defined as “a severe eating disorder characterized by repeated episodes of consuming a large amount of food in a short time, accompanied by a feeling of losing control over eating.”
Binge eating can often go overlooked, and was only recognized as an eating disorder in 2013; however has now become one of the more common eating disorders people experience. One key difference between having binge eating disorder and having moments of overeating is the feeling of having a lack of control over oneself, and feeling immense guilt after.
Breaking the Cycle and Choosing Something Different
Now, as a mother, I want to share some of the ways I hope to inspire a healthy relationship with food and body with my child. It will start with me. I will look at myself in the mirror and beam. I will thank my cheeks for creating a big smile on my face. I will thank my arms for being able to carry my son.
I will thank my body for being strong and resilient. I will thank my stomach for creating my son, and I will tell my son through words and actions how his full self is completely accepted and loved. I will show him what a divine honor it is to take up space in the world.
I share parts of my story with developing a binge eating disorder in hopes of helping others feel less alone. Healing your relationship with food and body is possible. If you are experiencing symptoms of disordered eating, reach out to one of our therapists for support. You, too, deserve to take up space in the world.
Resources:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/binge-eating-disorder/
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/binge-eating-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353627
