Becoming: Navigating Identity Shifts After Welcoming a New Baby
Alexis Nelson, LMFT #150714
Have you recently had a child, and now you no longer feel like yourself? Not just physically, but your sense of self, who you are, your purpose?
When preparing for a new baby, much of the focus is on the physical changes your body goes through during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. People talk about how your body grows and stretches, the development of a new life inside you, and the ways you should move, eat, and prepare for birth.
Even if you’re not the one physically giving birth (perhaps you are an adoptive parent), you may be preparing the nursery, taking infant CPR classes, and learning about sleep patterns and developmental milestones. You might even discuss with your partner the changes to your relationship with one another and friends as you prepare for the baby to arrive.
But there is often little conversation about how a new baby impacts the relationship with yourself.
The person you are becoming.
After welcoming a baby, it seems like everything has changed. Priorities, routines, and expectations are different now, pushing your sense of self into oblivion. As your baby has entered the world, they have taken center stage, and where does that leave you?
When a New Baby Reshapes Your Sense of Self
Oftentimes, it leaves parents–especially moms–feeling lost, depleted, and confused. This identity shift can contribute to postpartum depression and anxiety, which impacts 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men during the perinatal period (Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment,2025).
No matter if your pregnancy was planned or unplanned, dreamed about for years, or a surprise, whether you experienced pregnancy firsthand or supported a partner, the arrival of a baby brings enormous change. Perhaps the most profound change is the shift in identity. What once was, no longer is. This transformation of self can feel disorienting and overwhelming.
Transitions are inherently difficult
Change disrupts the stability of your routine and can bring what feels like grief or loss. Welcoming a child, even one you have prayed for and planned for, can create stress, tension, and uncertainty as you navigate a new family dynamic.
Furthermore, many soon-to-be parents have a romanticized vision of what it will be like to bring a baby home. Through social media, an image of perfection is everywhere. In more vulnerable posts on Instagram or TikTok, posters still show a romanticized version of parenthood.
Expectations, Comparison, and the Pressure to Get It Right
The posts are usually from people on the other side of the messy identity crisis. Karen Kleiman and Valerie Davis Raskin, in This Isn’t What I Expected (2013), write, “The fantasies we have about the mother we will be have a tremendous impact on how we feel once we become mothers, as they set us up to believe that we have to behave and respond and feel a certain way.
When our reactions do not live up to these ideals, we feel as though we have failed” (p. 230). These unmet expectations lead to more loss and grief of what was, or what “should be.”
If you are experiencing a shift in identity, or what feels like loss, grief, or failure, know that you are not alone. Here are four ways to navigate this transformation and reframe this identity shift as a time of “becoming”:
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve the Loss of Identity
There are many ways that you may be grieving the loss of identity after having a child. Perhaps before your baby arrived, your career gave you a strong sense of purpose, and now you are adjusting to life as a parent, and it feels strange not to have the structure of the productivity of your workday. Maybe you miss the spontaneity of your former life because you now feel bound by routines.
Notice what you are feeling in your body, and name the emotions you are experiencing. Pushing down feelings because you “should” be happy doesn’t create space to process the changes. Recognizing and honoring these emotions is the first step toward working through them.
One way to do this is through journaling. Make a list of the changes that have occurred over the past few months (or few years), the exciting and challenging ones. Allow yourself to write about the ways your life has been repositioned and the losses that you may be feeling.
Write about your grief, frustration, discouragement, and concerns. These feelings, even the “negative” ones, are valid and important to acknowledge in order to work through them. Journaling can help process emotions and reduce stress and anxiety.
2. Practice Both/And
There is space for multiple realities to coexist. You can be BOTH excited about being a parent AND feel overwhelmed by the constant demands of your baby. You can BOTH love taking care of your child AND feel lost without the purpose and productivity of your career.
You can BOTH be sad about going back to work after parental leave AND grateful that you have a job to support your family. Accepting that you can experience seemingly conflicting feelings without guilt helps normalize this transition.
In her book, Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself, Lisa Marchiano (2021) describes her experience with both/and. “When my children were young, I was plagued by a fear that I couldn’t both care for them in the way I wanted to and realize my creative potential…
I had to create an image of the life I wanted–a life that included abundant warm connection with my children as well as meaningful work and creative pursuits (p. 166).” Marchiano goes on to describe how her goals as a mom and a professional helped her refocus her priorities and make time for what mattered most to her in that season.
This is not without sacrifice; there was a loss of some hobbies or time with certain friends or home-cooked meals every night (Marchiano, 2021); you can practice both/and by feeling and acknowledging the loss while feeling confident in the priorities you have made most important.
It is reasonable to feel disappointed that you cannot make every friend’s birthday party AND feel satisfied that you’ve created enough margin to pursue a personal goal. There is room for you to be YOU, both as a responsive parent AND as an independent person who has hopes, dreams, and desires.
3. Connect with others in your season and in a different season
Community and connection are crucial. Brené Brown (2015) writes, “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering” (p.8).
Oftentimes, the postpartum period can feel isolating–between the physical recovery for those who carried and delivered their babies, as well as the sporadic sleep schedule of a newborn, figuring out feeding and burping and diaper changes and fussiness, it is overwhelming and all-consuming.
Connection with others is important as you transition into your new season, as Kleiman and Raskin (2013) emphasize, “a support system can help nurture and maintain self-esteem at stressful times” (p. 177).
Start Small
If you are early in the postpartum period, you may only want a 20-minute visit from a friend or family member each day, not engaging in an hour-long outing, and that is okay. Setting boundaries in what you need in this season is part of the learning curve.
Different types of relationships can help you meet different needs (Kleiman and Raskin, 2013). Check in with yourself about what you need from friendships and remember that connection with community is purposeful, sacred, and important.
Who is in your season?
Connecting with other parents who have a similar-aged child can feel like a lifeline. To know that you are not in it alone can feel so freeing. Realizing that others can relate to the myriad of feelings that you have can be a source of relief.
Hearing that other people are also up multiple times throughout the night and are available for a 3 am text can make you feel seen and understood. Or hearing that a friend had a breakthrough with their colicky baby can give you hope that you, too, may be seeing light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Getting connected with friends in the same season as you during the postpartum period can be extremely difficult if you recently moved, do not have many friends in your area, or are one of the first in your friend group to have kids.
The idea of making new friends may feel exhausting and anxiety-producing, especially if you are experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety in addition to the identity shift. Yet as Kleiman and Raskin (2013) point out, “improved social support is a key part of PPD treatment and recovery” (p. 177).
Ways to get involved with others in your season include joining a Moms group at your local church, searching on Facebook or Nextdoor for Moms/Parents groups who do park playdates or stroller walks, or joining a class through your community recreation department.
Who is in a different season?
Reach out to your cousin who just traveled to Japan and hear about the best meal she ate or her favorite city that she visited. Or talk to a friend who just got promoted at work and hear about what they are excited about in their new role and what will be challenging for them.
When diapers and spit up feel all-consuming, learning about what is going on in other people’s lives can remind you that seasons come and go and that you can still connect with close friends or family who are in different seasons, even if it looks different than before.
4. Celebrate Your “Rebirth.”
This statement of celebration is not about toxic positivity. It’s about becoming. Just as your baby grows, learns, and changes in the first few years of life, so too will you. Parenting brings growth spurts of your own; moments of learning, adaptation, and self-discovery. Yes, there may be aspects of your life that are “lost” or in the past, and there are also parts of you that have been reborn, reshaped, and refined.
Becoming Without Toxic Positivity
Your passions may change or develop into something new and exciting. You may have had an experience during your pregnancy or delivery that will push you to advocate for yourself or others in powerful ways. Your journey to adoption may allow you to see those who feel unseen.
Maybe your perinatal experience has been excruciating emotionally, and it is causing you to rely on the support of others in vulnerable and beautiful ways. I recently was talking to a friend, fellow therapist, and new mom about the concept of “rebirth” and “becoming” and I loved the way she put it: “I am doing my best to integrate my daughter into activities that help me fuel parts of my identity in addition to being a mom, like bringing her to the gym, shopping, or wine tasting.”
I’m sure her daughter interrupts her workout from time to time, and I’d wager that shopping takes longer than before, yet this integration of her mom's identity and her other hobbies and goals is what makes my friend her fullest and truest self. The person she is becoming.
Integrating Motherhood With the Rest of Who You Are
Celebrate the small wins, the progress, and the milestones along the way. This may look like getting dressed up to go to story time at the library after your little one was sick for a week. Or inviting a few friends over for treats to celebrate finishing your antibiotics after having mastitis.
Maybe it’s sitting in your backyard in the sun while you reflect on the strength and perseverance you’ve developed in parenthood. Think to yourself, how has my unique experience reshaped me into the person I am becoming?
Holding Loss and Growth at the Same Time
Viewing this time as BOTH a loss of your previous identity AND the beginning of a new one can help bridge the gap between conflicting emotions. All of your feelings are valid and can guide you through this rebirth to “becoming.”
Adjusting to life with a new baby can be exciting, joyful, and simultaneously challenging. If you find yourself struggling with these changes, remember: you are not alone.
If you are finding yourself resonating with this article and feel like it would be helpful to connect with someone to support you through your journey of becoming and rebirth, consider reaching out to one of our therapists for support.
If you are struggling with more severe symptoms that you believe may be postpartum depression or anxiety, there are additional resources to support you here. Reach out for support, connect with others, and give yourself grace during this life-changing transition.
Becoming Yourself Again, In a New Way
Welcoming a new baby often brings identity shifts that feel both tender and disorienting. You may recognize grief for who you were alongside love for who you are becoming. Holding both truths creates space for compassion rather than pressure to “get it right.”
At Sycamore Grove Counseling, parents are supported through these transitions with care and understanding. Identity shifts after a new baby are treated as meaningful developmental changes, not personal failures. Support honors your story, your season, and the complexity of becoming someone new.
If this season feels heavier than expected, reaching out can make a real difference. You do not have to navigate identity shifts or postpartum challenges alone. Gentle support can help you move toward wholeness, one step at a time.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way
we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.
Kleiman, K. R., & Raskin, V. D. (2013). This Isn’t What I Expected [2nd edition]. Da
Capo Lifelong Books.
Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and finding yourself. Sounds True.
Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment. Postpartum Support International
(PSI). (2025, March 18). https://postpartum.net/perinatal-mental-health/
